Whose Voice Matters?

Standard

As we go through life one day at a time, there will be competing voices trying to turn us toward their direction. The good, the bad, the ugly. These voices can sometimes be amplified depending on our point in life. Also, I can’t forget our own inner voice. Which demands to be listened to in one form or another.

I have been tasked with the challenge of reducing my time spent on social media. To me, that is akin to torture aka a new level of Dante’s inferno. I never see other people being asked to do such things. I usually see people deciding on their own to do it.

Here are some pros and cons:

Pro: I have a lot of people I consider friends on social media

Con: I could do a purge

Pro: Comps and dissertation 

Con: Stress outlet

Pro: I can work on minimizing

Con: Why am I still listening to others?

So these are some of the thoughts that swirl around my head when I’m not in pain or super anxious.

Have you ever been told that you spend too much time on social media? If so, how did you cope?

Peace, Love, and Smoothies 🙂

I Miss My Friend

Standard

So a lot is going on with me but for whatever reason I miss my old friend. It has been over a year since we’ve spoke. I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve looked at my part.
I’m still happy for my friend, I guess it’s just not the same sharing those things with her.
I just feel out of sorts and of course it’s out of my control.

So take it from me, if you have a friend that you value, let them know. Treat them well. Respect their differences.
Otherwise, you will be left wondering where twenty years went and basically feeling horrible because you lost one of the few people who truly knew you over something stupid.
At this point, I can’t even blame my old friend for not wanting to be friends with me because I’m not a great person.
So in a nutshell, I really hate myself and this is probably just karma.

The same circle

Standard

So, I know my last post was optimistic about Sgt. Pepper, here’s why I had to take a step back. As Sgt. Pepper and I have continued to engage in conversation, there have been a few indications that although he says that he has grown and changed, he actually hasn’t.

Now, I am not saying that Sgt. Pepper is a bad guy. But at the end of the day, he is still a guy. Through the course of hundreds of conversations, about every fifth conversation, he asks me for pics. Let me give you some background on that. Years back, when Sgt. Pepper and I first started seeing each other, I would send him hello or silly pics(yes, I had everything covered). Well, Sgt. Pepper never stopped asking for pics, so I just stopped sending them(that’s one reason why I got tired of seeing my face in my phone). I’m human and humans get tired. Because, I had already been down the road of “Hey, what would happen if people you cared about saw some dirty pics of you–yep, I had to learn that lesson the hard way and after that lesson, I vowed that I wouldn’t send/transmit/allude to sending dirty pics of myself to anyone under any circumstances).

Fast forward to the present, yes I am still celibate(at the rate I am going that may as well be permanent). Sgt. Pepper doesn’t really acknowledge that in it’s full austerity. As far as I am concerned, if I have told you my stance on something that is important to me, don’t act like I was just joking(because once upon a time when I did want to change my mind, you acted like you weren’t having it). So basically, my past with Sgt. Pepper made my stance on celibacy even stronger(because I wanted and still want to honor God but Sgt. Pepper wasn’t there).

So yesterday, someone tweeted an article about a girl who was dating a really staunch Christian and the ups and downs of their relationship as that person tried to live out their faith. It was a really good article. It was called “He believed in God. I believed in literature and lazy Sundays”. It just really hit home for me that no matter how I tried to skirt around our differences, things with Sgt. Pepper, ultimately won’t work out in the end because there are too many strong differences that are the undercurrent of our coming together.

Also, yes I am in huge transition right now but my standards have grown. One of my main questions is “What are your five year plans?” “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I think it is important to have passion for something(anything) and have a trajectory for your life(because even though my life has had many twists and turns, I think at the end of the day, I am still on a path toward my goals). Security is a huge thing for me(yes I can do broke, but if I have to be broke, I prefer to do it on my own). I was telling a friend how I had told Sgt. Pepper that I wouldn’t be in touch as often because I need to pay my phone bill, she came back with why would you want to go down that rabbit hole? Because in that instance, I thought well, if he wants to be in touch with me as bad as he says he does, he could pay my phone bill(yes, I have those thoughts, no, I have never had a guy pay a bill for me). So, I told her touche’ and I had to get real with myself. At the end of the day, Sgt. Pepper didn’t care because he just wants contact with me(he doesn’t even care how often) because he thinks we are going back in time when I went above and beyond for him and I’m just not.

That was my clue that this was the same rodeo. That’s when everything got clear and I remembered why I had broken things off with him twice before. So, I told Sgt. Pepper that I didn’t want to hold him captive so when it comes to us, there would be no pressure. In fact, I want and hope he sees other people.

Depending on how you look at it, I haven’t been in anything serious for four years. Yes it is lonely, yes it sucks. But at the end of the day, it is better to be alone than settle. I don’t want to settle for Sgt. Pepper and I don’t want Sgt. Pepper to settle for me.

Peace

 

 

Accepting forgiveness

Standard

So here’s a story with a twist…

A few years back, I had been seeing a guy on and off who I dubbed Sgt. Pepper. Sgt. Pepper was kind, funny, and thought I was the bees knees(I know, so actually rare). Well, I put a lot of expectations on Sgt. Pepper(like more than most humans could even match). But Sgt. Pepper just kept living his life and tried his best to put up with me(that’s how I see it).

At a low point in my life(I know I am always going through some transition or another), I broke up with Sgt. Pepper. A few wise people asked me if I knew what I was doing and I said yes(because in actuality, I didn’t and in some weird way it all reflected on me and not him at all). So Sgt. Pepper didn’t cry, beg, or demand an answer, he just said okay as you wish(silently because I didn’t hear it then but…).

Fast forward to the present, through a weird twist(see there’s the twist) turn of events, Sgt. Pepper got in touch with me. I was surprised(and in a good place) so I said that I hoped he was doing well.Then I apologized for treating him very poorly those years ago(just to clean my side of the street and not expecting anything else).

Well, I guess Sgt. Pepper is doing well because we had a long conversation(are having long conversations) and he wants to see where things could go. After I got over my complete(and utter shock), I too said that I thought that would be nice.

Don’t freak out(even though I am a tad dumbfounded). Let’s just calmly breathe and just take tiny steps. Do you know what this means? This means that all that time, Sgt. Pepper didn’t hate me(that was me). Sgt. Pepper didn’t want to hurt me(that was me). Sgt. Pepper wasn’t the bad person in the situation(that was yep, all me).

So of course this makes me think, wow, Sgt. Pepper is actually living out the faith and actions that so many of us claim and cling to but don’t have the slightest idea how to put into action. I spoke to a friend who said that I deserve to be happy. I agreed and said that, that is exactly what I am going to tell myself. Each and every day. We all deserve it.

So here’s to forgiveness, grace, and life

 

2016 What About Your Friends?

Standard

I was wrong. A few things had happened and I took them to be something different then what they were. So I proceeded to talk about a friend behind their back. I did this instead of talking to my friend about it. Well, of course what I said went back to my friend and they were hurt. I figured as such and I reached out to apologize. I felt bad. I was wrong for what I did.
So my friend told me how much I hurt them. I was devastated about what happened. So my friend said I needed to make a public apology and guess what? I did. My friend means more to me than the people that I was talking to and even if our friendship is never the same, atleast they know where my heart is. I also know that I have to reevaluate my friendships. Maybe the truth is that I consider everyone to be my friend but in reality I don’t have any. Don’t let my Twitter or Facebook followers fool you. I probably have more associates than anything. At this point in my life even though it makes me sad, I have to be okay with that and I will. So many people underestimate me and cannot begin to understand the pain that I have felt in my life. And again that is okay. People may have to be hard pressed when I go mute because I’m really really good at it.
At the end of the day you have to ask yourself what and who matter. There is no point in letting people get me down just because it is easy. But oh it is so easy. So I’m going to go through the motions just to get through because that is important to me. Maybe it is much less important that my voice be heard because in a vaccum of white noise everything cancels out anyway. I’m very disappointed in myself for believing that things were different. I only had a few friends growing up and I don’t even have them now.
So here’s to me learning a lesson in being quiet.
Peace

2016 When Everything Turns Up Roses

Standard

Hey y’all. I hope this finds you well. If not, I hope you feel a little better after reading. Why? Because you deserve to feel great. I know it sounds cheesy, but once you start telling yourself what you deserve, you start feeling better. Now this may get a little bumpy as I tend to go all over the place(just like my writing, and another reason why revision is a great thing, not something to fear or hate).

First things first, this semester is going awesome. Like I totally turned things around in Stats(and each class session is even more awesome). For instance, last week we began a conversation about multilevel modeling and I am telling you it was like poetry. Pure mathematical poetry. Every day I realize that I love math(a lot).

Second, I got an awesome job. Like it is so awesome that I still can’t believe it. I just can’t believe that I have this opportunity. The people that I work with are great. I get to work on real world projects. I am in a good space.

Third, every single conference that I submitted to, I was accepted. I still can’t believe that people want to hear about my work and what I have to say. So, a lot of people are proud of me and I have been given permission to be proud of myself. I am. I am.

Fourth, everything is working out wonderfully, so for the first time in a long, long time, I have no drama. Yep, you read that right, no major drama in my life(or the dancery quoting MJBlige). What does this mean? It means that I have a lot of time to make up my own internal drama(filled with over thinking and wondering where Prince Charming is). But I have an amazing support group who nudges me and jostles me out of the drama cloud and I am on my merry way again.

So, I plan on doing a better job of writing on here. So, be ready for a bunch of stuff because I have a lot to talk about(or be ready for a little bit of stuff because I might get busy lol). Who knows, let’s just be optimistic and hope for the best.

I am hoping for the best in all things. Even though I am turning that big scary 3-5 in a few months, I am going to be optimistic. Even though it seems as if Prince Charming lost all of my contact info, I am going to be optimistic. Even though there are a million things that I cannot change, I am going to be optimistic. Because really at the end of the day, I have no other choice.

Peace, love, and light y’all 🙂

 

2016 Gratitude

Standard

    Hey y’all! I just wanted to post some good stuff. With all that is going on in the world, I don’t think positive vibes hurt anything.
In line with the year of yes, I accepted a super cool job. My family is proud of me. My friends want me around. I am doing well in my classes.
     I know that doesn’t sound much but it means a lot to me.     No I haven’t met the great love of my life yet but I still manage to smile at the world. I’m trying to be the change that I want to see in the world and on most days, I think I’m on the right track.
    It seems like everyday I have an epiphany about something and I’m humbled. I know that my journey is only through the help and strength of a ton of angels on Earth.
    I got to hear my sponsor’s experience, strength, and hope tonight and I know that God blessed me with her awesome example of living life on life’s terms. I have had the opportunity to hear so much wisdom from my professors and I’m blessed to learn from them.
    So I’m just a bundle of gratitude because when we talk about the promises, I know that I didn’t envision anything that even remotely looks like my life today.
   I’m grateful for you taking the time to read my roller coaster of a blog.
Thank you!