So, I know my last post was optimistic about Sgt. Pepper, here’s why I had to take a step back. As Sgt. Pepper and I have continued to engage in conversation, there have been a few indications that although he says that he has grown and changed, he actually hasn’t.
Now, I am not saying that Sgt. Pepper is a bad guy. But at the end of the day, he is still a guy. Through the course of hundreds of conversations, about every fifth conversation, he asks me for pics. Let me give you some background on that. Years back, when Sgt. Pepper and I first started seeing each other, I would send him hello or silly pics(yes, I had everything covered). Well, Sgt. Pepper never stopped asking for pics, so I just stopped sending them(that’s one reason why I got tired of seeing my face in my phone). I’m human and humans get tired. Because, I had already been down the road of “Hey, what would happen if people you cared about saw some dirty pics of you–yep, I had to learn that lesson the hard way and after that lesson, I vowed that I wouldn’t send/transmit/allude to sending dirty pics of myself to anyone under any circumstances).
Fast forward to the present, yes I am still celibate(at the rate I am going that may as well be permanent). Sgt. Pepper doesn’t really acknowledge that in it’s full austerity. As far as I am concerned, if I have told you my stance on something that is important to me, don’t act like I was just joking(because once upon a time when I did want to change my mind, you acted like you weren’t having it). So basically, my past with Sgt. Pepper made my stance on celibacy even stronger(because I wanted and still want to honor God but Sgt. Pepper wasn’t there).
So yesterday, someone tweeted an article about a girl who was dating a really staunch Christian and the ups and downs of their relationship as that person tried to live out their faith. It was a really good article. It was called “He believed in God. I believed in literature and lazy Sundays”. It just really hit home for me that no matter how I tried to skirt around our differences, things with Sgt. Pepper, ultimately won’t work out in the end because there are too many strong differences that are the undercurrent of our coming together.
Also, yes I am in huge transition right now but my standards have grown. One of my main questions is “What are your five year plans?” “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I think it is important to have passion for something(anything) and have a trajectory for your life(because even though my life has had many twists and turns, I think at the end of the day, I am still on a path toward my goals). Security is a huge thing for me(yes I can do broke, but if I have to be broke, I prefer to do it on my own). I was telling a friend how I had told Sgt. Pepper that I wouldn’t be in touch as often because I need to pay my phone bill, she came back with why would you want to go down that rabbit hole? Because in that instance, I thought well, if he wants to be in touch with me as bad as he says he does, he could pay my phone bill(yes, I have those thoughts, no, I have never had a guy pay a bill for me). So, I told her touche’ and I had to get real with myself. At the end of the day, Sgt. Pepper didn’t care because he just wants contact with me(he doesn’t even care how often) because he thinks we are going back in time when I went above and beyond for him and I’m just not.
That was my clue that this was the same rodeo. That’s when everything got clear and I remembered why I had broken things off with him twice before. So, I told Sgt. Pepper that I didn’t want to hold him captive so when it comes to us, there would be no pressure. In fact, I want and hope he sees other people.
Depending on how you look at it, I haven’t been in anything serious for four years. Yes it is lonely, yes it sucks. But at the end of the day, it is better to be alone than settle. I don’t want to settle for Sgt. Pepper and I don’t want Sgt. Pepper to settle for me.